How To: Express Your Emotions Without Pounding Your Fist on the Table

A few weeks ago, a friend and I met up for dinner. We talked about all the usual things guys will talk about when they get together: Cars, football, beer, personal hygiene, pizza. We were having a wonderful time, until about halfway through, when it suddenly dawned on me that although we had been talking for almost three hours, I couldn’t recall a single thing that my friend had said that night.

The thing you must know about my friend, whom I will call Jon, is that he is an extremely soft-spoken and proper individual. He often gets praised for this, and while I’m sure the praise is genuine, it got me to thinking about why exactly it is that people don’t seem to listen to what he has to say or take him seriously.

My first thought was an exercise: I told him to repeat what he had just said to me, and that when he came to the climax of his point, to bang his fist once on the table between us. He was reluctant to do so, but after some brief ridicule I managed to convince him to give it a try, and sure enough, the effect was palpable. My friend was finding his voice!

It might seem obvious to a lot of you, but this sort of dramatic gesticulation is wildly effective when it comes to making yourself heard. But it’s becoming a little passe these days, unfortunately, or so I have been told. So, as Jon and I finished our pizza, we brainstormed tactics to accomplish the same effect without resorting to furntiure percussion, and while I find myself unable to remember anything that he said, what follows is a brief synopsis of what I came up with.

1. Press your finger into someone’s chest. It’s long been known that something like 80% of communication is non-verbal. And that talking with your hands can be a great way to convey information that can’t necessarily be put into words. The next time you’re talking to a guy (trust me, don’t try this with women!), illustrate your point by pressing your index finger into his chest, just above the nipple, as you come to the climax of your oration. The results just might surprise you!
2. Jump up and down. If you find yourself in a group conversation and are having a hard time getting people to listen to what you’re saying, it very well might be that you simply haven’t been able to capture anyone’s attention. When this happens, there are a number of things you can do to make the things you’re saying more interesting, such as raising your voice, grabbing people by the upper arm, or clapping, but my personal favorite has always been to start hopping up and down. Not only does this increase blood flow to your lungs and other areas of your body, but it also, when timed properly, adds to the impact of your words themselves. It’s also worth noting that, unfortunate as it is, people tend to find taller men more attractive, and therefore will pay more attention to what they are saying. Jumping up and down can create an illusion of height, much in the way a praxinoscope can create the illusion of movement. Give it a go!
3. Punch a hole in the wall. One of the absolute worst feelings is that of not being taken seriously. Trust me: As a straight white male who’s applied to multiple MFA programs, I know this all too well. So the next time you’re in a conversation and you feel like the people you’re talking at aren’t really listening to what you’re saying, consider putting a fist-sized hole in the wall, for emphasis. The best part? It can serve as a constant reminder that what you have to say is valid and that you are worthy of being treated with respect.
4. Understand and Employ Brown and Levinson’s Four Universal Politeness Strategies. Politeness, as defined by academic and scientist Bruce Lambert, is a “set of strategies for managing routine face-threatening acts.” And we encounter these situations on a daily basis: things like having to apologize, or admit fault, might threaten our “face,” which is our own self-image and our desire to be liked and accepted by society. And when we do things like offer advice or express disagreement, we run the risk of damaging that person’s “face.” Politeness, then, allows us to accomplish our goals while practicing deference and maintaining an appropriate amount of directness. The four levels of politeness, as defined by Brown and Levinson, are as follows (in order of least to most polite): 1. Bald On-the-record, 2. On-the-record with Redress, 3. Off-the-record, and 4. Not performing the face-threatening act. You can learn more about them here, and understanding them will allow you to choose the strategy best suited to your needs and the situation at hand.
5. Lie flat on your back and hit the ground with your hands and feet while screaming. This one might seem a little childish, but hear me out. Sometimes our conversations can get a little heated, and what’s needed in order for us to generate calm, respectful conversation is to burn off some of that stress and tension. Sure, you could take a deep breath and hug, but Dr. J. Zimmerman, of the Health First Chiropractic Clinic in Galloway, NJ, advocates for a slightly different approach. He tells us that “screaming is a very good stress and tension releaser (sic)” and tells us that “the screaming (sic) releases a lot of pent up (sic) stress and anxiety and the oxygen used screaming leads to a post scream (sic), euphoric calm.” So there you have it: it’s doctor-approved.

And that’s it! Jon, I am happy to report, has been putting these into practice, and I’ve been told that the results are remarkable. Why, just this morning Jon himself told me something to that or some other effect! I hope, then, that you find these strategies as useful as he did.